It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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