you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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