i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
