literally had 100 drinks last night.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i need to put some appletini on your dick
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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