Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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