Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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