I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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