she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
