My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
