Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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