You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
