rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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