i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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