guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
is that a dick in a sweater?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
