Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
