Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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