As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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