life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
