and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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