if i can run in heels then i can drive
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You left your phone here
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