She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
