I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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