I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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