the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
