Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
