Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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