you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
