that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Shame - the story of my life.
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