if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
