i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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