Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
