my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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