i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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