remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
