I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
