i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
