Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
