just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
