I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
