what day is it and did you see me today?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
