these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
