Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
