one might say we're banned from that church
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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