Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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