Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
