Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
