broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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