God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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