In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize