i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
