1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
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If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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