i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
