I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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