i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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