i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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