Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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