No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
