Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
grandma shit on top of the toilet
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
