I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
