then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
